And The Astonisher’s has its own extraordinary wrestle with the truth, descending into wheedling with its claimed readership, with some very questionable numbers … Astonisher reporter Sam The Milkmaid Healy makes a frank public admission … and the top Townsville City Council National Award not good enough to make the Townsville Bulletin. To business. Bentley offers the ultimate proof that federal politicians and the Canberra media for that matter, really are out of touch. 
But in a week of wall-to-wall sport, the State of Origin must take a back seat to another far more intriguing and eye-watering event that has captured the attention of the discerning punter. The ‘Pie speaks of that sporting spectacle run in Townsville today … yes, the Dachshund Dash, with local sausage dogs sizzling up the course at the annual Pet Expo.
Dogdom’s answer to Usain Bolt.
This new event put The Magpie in mind of the riddle his staid old Nana taught him on her knee – what is the difference between a street vendor and a dachshund? A street vendor bawls out his wears on the street.
Nana was like that.
‘What’s the difference between a war horse and a cart horse’ she’d tease?
‘A war horse darts into the fray.’
And the fledgling Magpie well remembers the day he came home from school bubbling with excitement after discovering another in this series ‘Nana, Nana,’ he eagerly cried, ’what’s the difference between a magician’s wand and (giggle) a policeman’s baton?’ ‘
And what is the difference, my little cherub?’
’A magician’s wand I used for cunning stunts!’
CLOUT!! The ringing in the ears lasted a day or two. Nana was like that.
But speaking of those who attract the attention of policemen’s batons, we come to the star attraction of this week’s Nest, a certain court case concerning one Daniel James Whipps and his unique take on reality.
Daniel Whipps
Mr Whipps gets the trifecta for Question of the Month, Unanaswered Question of the Month, and Dopey Question of the Month. If ever there was proof of the old adage ‘ a person who represents themselves in court has a fool for a client’, last Wednesday’s sinisterly funny proceedings was it.
Mr Whipps was charged with, and subsequently convicted of, making a telephone threat to Townsville City Council solicitor Tony Bligh, when Mr Bligh had pointed out that if his rates were not paid in full, there would be no discount. Mr Bligh said that Mr Whipps quickly lost his temper and said ‘I’ve already found out where you live, c…, I hold you personally responsible for this and I’ll be coming around to bash the shit out of you with an iron bar’.
Whipps, showing an amazing depth of filial love and protection for his dear old dad, said it was actually his father who’d made the call on his behalf, it wasn’t him. One can only presume that Mr Whipps Jnr was comfortable to see his pa head of to pokey in his stead. Nice one, Daniel.
Mr Bligh insisted that he knew it was Mr Whipps on the phone, to which our budding barrister, aware of the majesty of, and courtesy due to, the court, asked demurely ‘How the fuck would you know?’ Perhaps a tad rhetorical, but that gets him the Question of the Month Award.
Our boy then blundered on, ignoring another golden legal rule, i.e never ask a question to which you do not already know the answer. He asked Mr Bligh if the threat had caused him to warn his wife, and to go home and take security precautions, and if he was in fear of receiving the threatened visit. Mr Bligh said something along the lines that he didn’t and wasn’t, but what Mr Bligh did not say was more interesting.
The council legal eagle is a long-standing senior member of the Townsville Pistol Club and is a crack shot. Even this weekend, he is apparently the range master at a safety exercise in how not to plug the wrong person in a mock fire fight. A visit from Mr Whipps would’ve possibly raised the query of the wisdom of bringing an iron bar to a gun fight.
So that question gets Dopey Question of the Month.
The Unanswered Question of the Month is far more disturbing, and not really funny. Just what sort of person would happily lie and put his father at risk of spending time behind bars for something he himself had done? Just as well that visiting magistrate Hayden Stjerqvist wasn’t hoodwinked, and told Whipps in so many words he was a liar, who showed n remorse, no insight and no contrition.
Whipps was given three months jail, wholly suspended, and put on a two year Good Behaviour Bond of $2000 recognizance (not ‘reconnaissance’ as the paper’s subs had it).
There is an upside to all this. One presumes the community will no longer be subject to the media grabbing Whipps as an ersatz spokesman for the Ratbag Ratepayers Association, spouting gibberish. Moyle and Jacob have the field to themselves now.
Better still, with a conviction on his CV, and being a jail-bird in waiting, our lawnmower man will not be able to run for council as he had always wanted, which mercifully obviates the chance of an error happening in a society where every idiot has a vote. (NB At their inception, The Ratbags chose a member to ‘shadow’ elected councillors, and Whipps was shadow for – oh, the irony – Clr Gary Eddiehausen, a highly respected and law abiding ex-copper. Funny old world, ain’t it?)
Naturally, the Ratbags have chucked him out, they don’t need any more credibility problems.
But credibility is proving to be a continuing issue down at the Townsville Bulletin. Today’s little gem … 
… and the answer is we certainly don’t ‘turst’ the sub-editing. But then, when English isn’t your first language …. Oh, well, it apparently isn’t for most of the Text to Ititor correspondents, either.
But during the week, the Astonisher sent us into deep contemplation when it decided to pat itself on the back with this full page self-congratulatory puff ad about annual readership.
The wheedling hand-wringing tone is unprecedented for this publication – newspapers generally don’t thank readers for reading – and anyone in the industry would be asking why this truly embarrassing effort is necessary and what does it hope to achieve.
But hang on, anyway, let’s have a look at those numbers. There was a distinct piscine odour about them, so The ‘Pie did a little digging. This comment from the blog during the week.
The Magpie June 18, 2014 at 12:20 pm (Edit) The ‘Pie makes no claims to financial acumen (ask his bank manager) and he became a journalist because he’s no hot shot at any sort of maths except scoring backwards at 501 darts. So can someone please check this out. Using 33.8 million claimed yearly readership divided by the number of papers printed annually -8,434,920 – (audited circulation figures of a weekly tally of 162,210 papers), The ‘Pie discovers to his … well, astonishment … that the 4.07 readers peruse the pages of each and every rag that rolls off the presses. To quote that dork heading for divorce in the TV beer add, ‘Well, as I live and breathe, Rog, what a coincidence’. Like the message in the ad, more a confidence trick, actually. You see, that conclusion comes using circ figures, which are harder to fiddle …. the more rubbery, massagable readership stats claimed by the new you beaut EMMA system (owned and contracted by the newspaper publishing industry) try to convince us that … ready for this – 4.07 readers for each paper, every single day of the week, year round!!! So it seems there has been some fancy footwork of extrapolation, with the Astonisher taking the (widely disregarded in the media) figure of 4.07 readers, and simply multiplying that by the number of published papers, guaranteeing a skewed but smicko looking result. That the 4.07 figure is obviously absurd isn’t explored, or even backed up for this bit of mathematical conjuring. Not surprising one supposes. Panic stations?
Accountant mate Quincy kindly confirmed the calculations. On Friday, the paper was even using it’s news agents banners to beg people to buy the paper.
Let’s be charitable and believe her fraud reference was to be working on a daily rather than a weekly (the Mail), but there remain those days when faking it until making it appears to be a work still in progress.
Social media is a trap that only a few people are now discovering – you let it all hang out, it stays hung out for good. So On-Line Editor Mat Dunn may regret choosing to share his WTF eclectic taste in recreational activities with the world.
If clothes maketh the man, what do these threads make him?
And here’s something you didn’t read in the paper that is all for supporting the North. A major accolade for the Townsville City Council, but one would guess it doesn’t fit the Astonisher’s ‘no good news’ agenda. This from comments during the week.
Yes, Spence, as an observant insider suggested t’other day, the Astonisher is run like a girl’s boarding school dormitory after lights out … with the head prefect in on the action.
So to help ensure they don’t miss the stories of which we are meant to be informed, here’s another ‘Pie lead which should make it through the mayhem, although editorial policy doesn’t approve of good news stories..
In another age, there were ‘herograms’ for a job well done, nowadays it is more ‘empowering emails’. This one is from TCC Planning boss Stewart Pentland overnight to staff and councillors. It speaks for itself, but we’ll see if the Astonisher thinks it’s worth amplification.
Subject: TCC P&D awarded National Award for Local Government –
Improved Productivity and Regional Development
To All P&D Staff
Tonight (Tues, June 17) we have been nationally recognised at Parliament House in Canberra by the Department of Infrastructure and Regional Development for our Planning and Development Reform program. Whether you are responsible for contributing to the Draft Planning Scheme, have contributed to the way we have reformed our business and business processes, or if you have contributed to the development of our partnership projects like the CBD incentives or North Yards, in some way you have all had a hand in our division being recognised in this fashion.
This comes one month after being nationally recognised by the Property Council of Australia as a finalist in the Excellence in Government category for our Planning and Development reform program also.
Effectively what this means is that both the public and private sector nationally recognise your efforts and excellence in service delivery.
I would like to thank you all for your ongoing commitment to our continual improvement.
I am very proud as you should be.
Stewart
Mary Vernon
The Magpie was alarmed to learn that his old chum and work colleague, the much admired Mary Vernon has had a sudden and unhappy affair of the heart. No, no, not that way, she and Rick are still the solid goods they’ve always been, but Mary came over all funny last weekend, and ended up in hospital after a heart attack.
After a bit of high-end medical plumbing, she’s at home and on the mend now, cheerful and joking as always.
When he worked with her at The Bulletin, The Magpie often noted that Mary had a big heart and a helping hand for many of the matters her readers brought to her attention, so The ‘Pie took to referring to her as Mary Ventricular. He’s glad the irony stops there. See you up and about soon, sport.
Want any further proof that Alice in Wonderland is now the bible for many a boffin.
This comment posted on the blog yesterday (Friday).
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS, BUT IT’S JUST HAPPENED!!!
In an extraordinary decision today, Linkhill Pty Ltd was fined $313,500 in the Federal Circuit Court for supposedly ‘underpaying’ ten tradespeople and labourers, who were actually paid almost $300,000 more than the Award rates and benefits to which they were entitled during the periods of their engagement.
Read the full, sad and sorry tale here, which will do the already discredited union movement another great disservice. NB Astonisher … click this link for a good yarn for tomorrow, if you feel like it. Spotter’s fee would be nice.
It certainly proves the law can be as ass, and this ain’t over by a long chalk. Disgraceful waste, loopy reasoning.
