A crowded week throwing up more questions than answers, but, hey, not to worry, The ‘Pie will make up the answers as usual.
And Bentley’s at his usual best. So let’s get to it.
Perhaps the most remarked story of the week out of Canberra was the clash of egos when The Smirk deigned to give Unjolly Joe some free advice on taxation. Peter Costello, who was a good Treasurer but was never tested by really tough times, smarmed his way into the news columns with a bit of self-serving bombast about how he would do ‘fix’ the tax problems – problems largely created by him, anyway, not that he mentioned it. Unjolly Joe was having none of it, as Bentley so neatly puts it.
And we all thought Christopher Pyne was The Fixer.
Overseas, the biggest story on the international scene was the confirmation that Hillary Clinton’s totally unsurprising formal announcement that she’s a presidential candidate. So the cover of the month goes to London’s Private Eye, for its take on Hilary’s most ardent wish.
As she most famously once said ‘ Bill is a hard dog to keep on the porch’.
The news of the week that went most Unremarked also concerned the US presidency and indeed sex, but of bygone eras. A new historical book has all America talking, because it’s author, some sad old coot The ‘Pie has never heard of claims that presidents Abraham Lincoln and (although he shouldn’t be mentioned in the same breath) Richard Nixon were both gay! The author is a bit suss because he is obviously sad old toe-toucher himself, aiming at a last hurrah, and doesn’t seem to have too much proof, let alone say why this is relevant or important in either case.
All a bit ho hum … but just a moment.
To quote Mr Loaf’s girlfriend ‘STOP RIGHT THERE BEFORE YOU GO ANY FURTHER’. Our writer puts forth the somewhat original idea that John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln in a hissy fit of gay rage, because the president had spurned him as a lover. Well, if you so, dearie, but really
BUT again, hang on a sec … there’s gotta be a musical in this. Yeah, Lincoln and Booth, The Musical.
Don’t want to be a spoiler and give too much away, but there would have to be the standard prophetic scene when a Peter Allen chorus line of cane twirling lads and lassies in spangled top hats and tails do a Busby Berkley number , jig-sawing across across the stage …
… as Booth (played by Mel Brooks) minces on and archly sings:
So Honest Abe,
Is a tasty babe,
Stovepipe hat, and mangy beard,
He ain’t just queer he’s also weird,
He doesn’t love li’l Boothie enough
Reckons my booty ain’t smooth enough,
(sobs)
So that Mr Lincoln’s,
Got me a-thinkin’,
If he won’t have me, it’s his regret,
(pulls out revolver and brandishes it)
I’ll give him a blow job he won’t forget.
(exit stage left to a thunderous musical climax).
Of course, this will be followed up by another show called Fixin’ Nixon, featuring a show stopper called Tricky Dicky and his Dick Trickery.
The ‘Pie expects the call from the Gay Mardi Gras people wanting to back the projects, they’re a little tired of Springtime For Hitler.
But speaking of Hitler (oh, clever segue, ‘Pie), we’ve all seen at least one version of that Downfall meme, with the climatic scene of Hitler’s last moments sub-titled with spoofs of current events. The idea has just about run its race, but not quite … the best was yet to come and has now arrived. In a simply brilliant marketing ploy, SBS TV has come up with a Downfall meme to promote … wait for it … their screening of Downfall. Watch for the typos in the captions towards the end. Funniest yet!
As a marketing ploy, sure beats the hell out of flying around in a helicopter with a cardboard cutout of a poncey Pommy prince.
The other under-remarked story of the week was the revelation that Christopher The Fixer Pyne is a calorie counter.
Christopher Pyne
The SMH tells us:
Since last February, Pyne has entered everything he eats, and any exercise he does, into the app. At the end of each day he checks whether he has stayed within 1250 calories – an ambitious target given dieticians recommend the average male consume around 2200 calories a day.
Now, The ‘Pie can offer you an exclusive, which was chortled down the MagpieFone by his Canberra mole (no, not Jacqui Lambie). Pyne has been approached by a charity to put his dietary regime into book form, along with his exercise schedule. Proceeds from the sales of slim volume will go to the Healthy Lifestyle Foundation. But the real news is that this has inspired at least one other pollie to strike the same deal …
Ewen Jones
– none other than Canberra’s MP in Townsville, Ewen ‘Dumbo Jumbo’ Jones. He plans to publish his own record of food consumption for the year so far, with proceeds going to the Fight Anorexia Foundation. Ewen’s food record will come in an attractive six-volume set – you’ll find the exercise regime in a last page index in volume 6.
Actually, Dumbo gets the quote of the week It comes in the Astonisher’s report on his (for once) totally reasonable argument that he won’t actively seek funding for the stadium/.entertainment/convention centre/boardwalk footway/ Lancini Dreamworld until he is given a solid plan to put before the moneymen in Canberra. This infuriated Mayor Mullet, who decided to play politics by accusing Dumbo of ‘playing politics’. But he was sticking with his fully correct mantra ’Show me a plan, then I’m your man’. He told the Astonisher:
“There are so many times I can go in with half-baked plans without … Tony Abbott starting to roll his eyes at me.”
Ummm, mate, think the PM (and just about anybody else) rolls his eyes when he sees you coming, whatever your mission. The ‘Pie just loves the idea that Dumbo now suggests he has the clout to stroll in to the PM’s office with a cheery ‘Hey, Tone, what about ….?’ Peta Credlin would have the Jumbo jewels in a Christmas grip before he was a single step inside Wingnut’s outer sanctum.
But looking further at that Ross Creek south bank super plan, it will be interesting – whenever the council gets around to it – to learn just what are Walker Street’s priorities on this pivotal project. Given the delicate and carefully worded high stepping through this political minefield by the mayor, who is clearly leaning towards support for an integrated project from the get-go – and not a stand alone stadium first stage – The Astonisher, and therefore Lozza Lancini and the vacuous TEL could be in for a nasty shock if and when the council comes out with a definitive stance. The bullying crash-or-crash-through approach of the Bulletin and Lancini trying to brow-beat a suspicious community into accepting what is a deeply unpopular path of a staged development (with the stadium coming first) is now front and centre in the mayoral campaign of 2016. The ‘Pie hears that Lozza has chucked more than one temper tantrum over opposition to his self-interested vision. So if those whom we elected to govern us have the temerity of acting in the community interest (and the future of the city), they’d better brace themselves for a small tsunami of vitriol and misinformation from Lozza’s personal megaphone, The Townsville Daily Astonisher.
Broadening that subject somewhat, the most telling and startling comment to come to these feathered ears was purportedly from Lord Lozza himself. He was overheard at a function defending the appointment of nice gal but lightweight Patricia O’Callaghan as CEO of the Dudley Do Nothings. He is quoted as saying it was a positive step as ‘she was being mentored in the role’. FYI verb [ trans. ]to advise or train (someone, esp. a younger colleague).
What??? A CEO being mentored?!? We are now asked to continue chucking ratepayers’ money at an ineffective and non-transparent organization that has a young CEO, obviously promoted ahead of her time, being ‘mentored’ in the role? FYI ‘mentor’ noun – an experienced and trusted adviser. Ahem … mentored by whom, Lozza? Surely not your good self, mate, wouldn’t that prompt some scurrilous accusations of conflict of interest, you being just a TEL board member? Nah, you wouldn’t do that. Silly old ‘Pie.
But here’s something that the mentored young miss could look at. We could liven up the tourist scene by copying a sell-out idea from the Sunny Rest Resort in Pennsylvania. A nude beer festival.
All very decorous on the posters (ya just gotta love the name of the band) …
… not a hint of naughtiness or err … an aroused interest in sight … but then again, neither is there on Flinders Street East at 7pm.
But we could top that with some added attractions for which we are famously innovative. Special guests at our festival could be Ewen Jones, Clive Palmer and Gina Rinehart, billed to take part in a – wait for it –
Use your imagination … ha, like you aren’t already.
… game of nude twister. after downing half a dozen stubbies each! Instant and absolute sell-out, entry includes free brown paper bag.
On more sober note while you try to expunge that image from your head, had a call during the week about a missing beer cellar. The new lessees of the Australian Hotel on Palmer say they are trying to locate the pub’s original beer cellar, figuring there surely must be one, given the age of the pub. No entrance can be found and they’re keen to know if anyone can remember if and where the cellar is located. Give them or The ‘Pie a yell if you know anything.
Two recaps from the week in comments.
Gold Coast swindler Craig Gore and his missus Marina face heavy sanctions and possible criminal charges carrying jail terms, after a Federal Court found the pair had dudded mum and dad superannuation investors in a scam that netted them personally $1.7 million. This from last Wednesday’s comments.
The Magpie April 15, 2015 at 3:53 pm (Edit)
GOT THE GRUBS!
Craig Gore
Swindling Gold Coast couple Craig and Marina Gore look to effectively be out of the shyster business, and could well be facing a stint behind bars. ASIC could now press criminal charges, leading to further court action which could well end up with both getting striped suntans. In a judgment handed down by Justice White in the Federal Court, the Gore’s have been found guilty of ripping off mum and dad investors – the judge described them as ‘ small investors who did not on any view satisfy the description of “sophisticated investors” – who foolishly fell for Gore’s urgings to set up self managed super funds and then allow him control to invest the money, supposedly in buying distressed property in the US.
Marina Gore
Instead, it was found that he channeled more than $1.7million to a company controlled by his wife, and they used the funds to support a lavish Gold Coast lifestyle involving mansions and luxury cars. It looks like no one will be getting any money back.
Now, the Gore’s will be back in court on May 8 to get their comeuppance – at least in the business world. They’re expected to be banned from just about any activity that involves investment. Gore comes out of his current bankruptcy this Friday, but it may be a brief moment in the sunshine of debtless living. With $1.7million effectively stolen from more than 200 investors howling for blood, ASIC will have a lot of explaining to do if they do not proceed with criminal charges.
The concern in this corner of the world is Gore’s involvement in the purchase of the Yasi-battered Port Hinchinbrook Resort at Cardwell. Gore is behind a company LTSC which is likely to become involved in Hinchinbrook. Although he has denied it (but remember, he is a proven liar) he calls the shots at LTSC, despite being unable to be a legitimate director because of his bankruptcy. LTSC is set up in such a way to be a scammer’s dream, although nothing untoward has been proven yet, and should it become involved in selling Long Term Settlement Contracts (hence LTSC), the hoped for resurrection of the resort would be on a financial knife-edge. Other companies involved in the redevelopment may well decide to move on, given the publicity and questions asked as to why supposedly reputable operators would have engaged Gore as a ‘consultant’. Or have anything to do with such a corporate lowlife. His wife has other worries too, like having the ATO seeking to wind up her company because of an unpaid tax bill of almost $140,000. Nice couple.
All this may save a lot of pain for a lot of people in the future, but not for the Cardwell community, if someone cannot be found to rejuvenate the resort which is pivotal to the town’s economy. But at least they’ve hopefully avoided a nasty goring.
(NB Gore came out of bankruptcy yesterday –Friday April 17.) No bets being taken how long he stays that way.
And here’s another bit of questionable business involving Townsville businessman Mark Adams which featured on a Current Affair nationally.
Mark Adams
A red hot yarn somehow entirely missed by the Bulletin (and all the other local outlets as well). Interestingly, The ‘Pie had a couple of calls claiming that victims of the situation had contacted the Bulletin but when for some unknown reason, the story was ignored, the complainants went to ACA. If that is the case, yet another win for the paper that is ‘all for the north’?
Enough now, it is away to Poseurs’ Bar, where Mongrel the Barrister has inspired a new sign.
Sounds about right. And at least Mongrel keeps his clothes on.
